my struggle

There is one particular sin that is probably at the deepest root of my heart-- one that oftentimes drives my actions, thoughts, and even personality. . . It's no secret to anyone who knows me, and it's definitely something that I have been trying to battle against all throughout my life.

Pride.

When pride hits, there's a dual action going on, one being that I view myself pretty highly, and two being that I view others pretty lowly. It's a very disgusting and ugly truth to realize about myself, and when I see it come out, I just feel dirty all over.

My journey through undergrad at Stern was definitely an interesting time that God humbled me and my naive dreams of becoming the next hot-shot corporate CEO -- He humbled me through grades, career choices, classmate/friends, and even through a simple disinterest in all things finance. I think that God really helped shield me from pride because I didn't really envy my banker friends or feel a need to compare myself to them -- I knew I wasn't meant for that track.

But now, in culinary school, I'm facing this challenge of pride in a much stronger way. Baking is something that I actually enjoy and am good at. It's hard not to place a certain identity or confidence and satisfaction in the work that I do, especially because I feel like this is one of those "things" that make me, me.

In my class of 22 students, I am usually the first person to finish all of the tasks, and 4 of my classmates have also told me "wow, you're really fast!" When I see my other classmates' products, I can't help but feel that I am more talented, better at multi-tasking, and a faster worker than they are. When I give my products to friends to eat, their exclamation of "wow, this is really good!" only heightens my regard of myself.

Throughout this entire past week, I think 75% of my conversations with people (not close close friends, but just people I see maybe once a week @ sg/fellowship) have revolved around culinary school, food, etc. And this, too, also feeds into my pride. When all I do every day and all I talk about every day is baking and culinary school, it becomes really easy to love and to feed on this feeling of self-exaltation.

Yesterday, at small group, we were talking about sin, and though the topic wasn't pertaining to pride specifically, I think God was really challenging me to examine where my heart had been. In Luke 14:11, He says that "for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." I had been exalting myself and letting others exalt me too, and though it was satisfying in the moment, minutes later I would feel sooooo dirty. Aggghhhh even as I write this now, my pride disgusts me sooo much I don't even want to write out the full offences that I've committed against God.

I don't want to have everyone look at me in this "ooooh, ahhhh" kind of way. I don't want to look at my classmates in a "I'm so much better than you" way. And most of all, I don't want to forget that God is the giver of all good gifts, and just as He so easily gives, He can just as easily take away. Baking and food and my talent should never become my god. I want to be able to use my baking as a means through which I can help share the love of God with others, but if my pride is going to become the god that people worship, then I've failed. Mikey once (or several times...) said that "there is no place for God in the kitchen." It's sooo true, and I'm realizing it more every day. If I am going to walk around class exalting myself, where is the Gospel in that?

So until I feel like I will not be tempted to let myself or my food become my god (or your god), I will not be posting anything about culinary school or baking. I'm taking the "#3 step of addressing sin" (from Bible study yesterday) and separating myself from it. Also, if you see me and want to talk to me about classes and stuff, please help keep me accountable to how I talk about culinary school. Thanksssss.