baking and me

I told myself that I didn't want to work in a kitchen anymore post-Daniel, but now that the end-date of my 2-year-long culinary pursuit is soon coming to an end, I'm actually getting kinda bummed... It's been really, really fun learning all the secrets to food-making and fidgeting around with my own concoctions, and even more fun eating it all! Culinary school was super interesting and exciting, and thinking about how hard I tried (and all of the success I did experience through it all) makes me wonder if I'll regret leaving this all behind soon... top of the class, outstanding final projects, outstanding GPA, landing jobs at Nobu57 and Daniel... all for what?

I caught up with Mikey on Sunday, and his words definitely reminded me of why both of us wanted to start Wild Manatee and why we stuck it out working in the food industry for so long, despite the terrible work environments, pay, lifestyle, etc... Working in a high-pressure restaurant kitchen at Daniel definitely skewed my idea of working in the industry in general and turned me off to staying long-term, but when I go back to my roots and convictions, the real reason why I even spent so much time, effort, and money pursuing this career was because at the end of the day, I really just love to feed people...Plus, baking is something I really really enjoy doing. There's gotta be a reason why God gave me this kind of heart and this kind of talent -- right?

I just hate having to really leave this all behind...it seems like it's been such a big part of me these past two years that stepping away from it completely is like seeing a part of me die. (er, disappear). AND I can't help but feel like if I do walk away from it, these past two years will have been a semi-waste. ALL of those hours and dollars spent in culinary school, learning how to make 298374 types of pastries&confections....ALL of my time in Taiwan, Nobu, DANIEL.... ALL of the skills I've gained, the burns I've gotten, the recipes I've perfected and the potential of even cooler ones waiting to be invented.... Where did it get me???? What was the point??? Should I continue forward in this track?? Should I not??

God, I feel frustrated, grieved, confused, and even a little heartbroken when I look at my life thus far and as I think about my future... Please, PLEASE, please, would you fill my heart with peace and really guide me in a clear direction so that I'm not so lost??

>___<