talk about broken...

So there's this girl in my class, 27, white, from Mississippi (I think, or somewhere down south enough so that she has a reaaally strong Southern accent), larger-set, not very attractive, kinda hunch-backed.... From week 1, she was someone that we all marked as a "please-don't-let-her-be-my-next-partner" type of person because she would always get angry and short with not just her partners, but with others around her who got in her way. She is your typical unpleasant and unappreciative "Pastry b*tch". Whenever the chefs criticize her work (in a constructive way, of course), she always feels the need to defend herself, and she often takes it as a personal attack and retaliates with some smart comment.

I think that over the course of the first few weeks, she realized that none of us really liked her or wanted to try to get to know her, so she started changing her behavior. She volunteered a lot more to help get the classroom in order, she would try to speak in a more gentle tone, and I think she even tried cracking a few jokes with us once in a while. Still though, I think all of us never got that initial impression out of our minds, especially since she does have relapses of biotchiness every so often. Even the chefs recognize that she's the black sheep in our group, and though they try to be patient with her neediness, you can tell that they get frustrated too.

It's actually really heartbreaking for me to see all of this, because as much as I don't like her, I still don't think she deserves the treatment that she gets from us. Sure, she's hard to get along with, but to be the center of all gossip and all hatred is something no one should ever have to go through. Today, she had an absolute nervous breakdown after she approached the chefs with a "bad cake" that she had made in preparation for our test tomorrow, and even though the chefs assured her that it was okay, she cracked! I don't really know what happened, but all of us were in awkward shock as she stood there in the corner with the chefs cryingggg over her cake. My friend turned to me and was like "she's so crazy. There's no question about it. She's just absolutely crazy." I responded with "I think she just needs a little bit more love in her life. You never know, maybe she grew up with abusive parents who never complimented her on stuff and only yelled at her for her mistakes, and that's why she is the way she is." My friend could only respond with "She's crazy."

As I was leaving the classroom, I overheard a few other classmates saying "when I was her age, ........" (something along the lines of 'I wasn't an emotional wreck'). I think this girl has come to a point where she's lost any kind of respect that anyone could ever give to her, and she's definitely proved herself unable to handle the stresses of the kitchen environment. It's a very real and personal struggle for me to love her and show her grace. She's just so . . unlovable.

But -- not just despite of that but because of that, God calls me to forgo any of my own comfortability and get messy with her broken, broken life. I want to and know that I should obey, but I'm straight up scared. Getting messy isn't a fun thing, and especially since I feel like I'm making such progress with my other classmates, I think I fear what they would think of me if I started really reaching out to her. It's a back-and-forth battle in my heart of "Nancy, God's placed you in this position and you obviously see her need -- just get over yourself and LOVE her!" and "GAH she's SO HARD TO LOVE! Why do I have to be the one to reach out to her?! Can't you send someone else??"

It is Jesus' love and grace that can ultimately heal her of her brokenness...but how will she know of Jesus if someone doesn't tell her about Him first?

Sigh.